Ten Traffic Tips

Here are just a few simple, ethical, and safe rules to help you with the morning commute in Atlanta. I personally have the I-20 east bound commute into the city. It's a hoot and a holler every morning, for sure.

and now, these simple tips...

1. Gawking. Our necks should be red, not rubber. Even if people in the 3,000 cars in front of you are gawking at the emergency vehicles and the blood stained and oil steaming hunks of metal left in the emergency lane, don't YOU look. Nope. Stop! Don't look. Don't you dare.

2. Ladders. Please, if you have to carry a ladder on your vehicle secure it. This also holds true for pets, copper tubing, rocks, meteorites, cardboard boxes, monkey wrenches, boards with nails in them, logs, lounge chairs, port-a-potties, chickens, lab rats, drill bits, bungee cords, toilets, hot water heaters, surfboards, bob seger records, diapers, and last, but not least, small children.

3. Speed. Do you really think weaving in and out of traffic at 110 miles an hour is going to consistently get you there faster? Do you REALLY want to get to work that badly?

4. Weaving. Do you really think that moving side to side quickly and dangerously as opposed to waiting patiently to go forward is going to get you there any faster?

5. Get OFF my ass. I'm not going to move until I'm damn good and ready...I will gladly move when I accomplish whatever driving goal I had in mind when I moved into a fast lane. Until then, back off. I'd love it if you bought me a new trunk, but that's gonna make us both late.


6. Ok...be nice on occasion. Let a guy over, especially if you don't really even have to break (brake?) driving stride to do it. DON'T however, be a sucker and let a whole lane of traffic over, grandpa.

If a lane is ending and there's been a sign for the past 20 miles to merge out of it, you've dutifully done so even though it means going slower-- don't be the sucker to let the jerk who's fast tracked it to the end of the lane--while you got over and waited patiently-- in.

7. If you drive in the emergency lane to get around traffic, I hope you get arrested. Don't let any jerk who jets around traffic in the emergency lane in, either. If you do, you should be arrested along with them.

8. Radio stations/Traffic reports--why, tell me WHY do you have to put the sounds of emergency vehicles, car crashes, or honking horns into your lead in music? Those sounds are indicative of danger and a signal for a driver to take action. Playing them on the radio can be dangerous.

9. If you're thinking of driving the 1986 Cutlass Supreme that's been wrecked twice, has a damaged, smoky muffler, bleeds fluids like the Russian royal family, has one working headlight, fewer working break lights, and gets 4 miles to the gallon--please, think again.

If after your deep think about this, you still decide to drive it, don't ever, ever, ever drive it in the fast lane.

10. Apply Make Up? Under the seat CD searching? ipod browsing? Reading up for the proposal you're making this morning and that you're already 10 minutes late and way under prepared for? The morning paper?...no.

Note: Blogger is not a traffic expert or driving instructor. This was written as a humorous(?) diversion. Do not try this in your own car. Mr. Pants is not responsible for damage, personal injury, or work time lost due to following these traffic tips. Tips may cause spleen damage. If you have a commute lasting more than four hours, this is a problem. Contact your boss immediately and quit. Actual results may vary.