Feral Soccer Moms: Danger in the SubSuburbs

I appreciate greatly the need to love and protect your children; to raise them and rear them, to protect them from any and all germs so that their immune systems are underdeveloped, rendering them allergic to qtips and peanuts...to make sure they get a trophy, and too call their bosses and yell when something is wrong at their first job.

I have a new and very primal fear of this new subcategory of the soccer mom...the feral soccer mom. Yes...they are wild. They are prone to moments of sudden psychosis, like a tired hungry grizzly protecting her cubs this breed will strike at you--not with teeth and claws (though certainly that's not out of the question) but with their over sized mini van and/or suv, the shrill yell, and a keen sense of righteousness of cause (making the bus stop on time), and of self (I'm only doing what's right for my kids...get out of my way!)

Anyway, I've encountered her in the wild a few times now. Most recently, walking peacefully down a one way driveway of a local park with Lola the dog at 6:55 AM. Suddenly...very suddenly...she appeared--cloaked in a white Ford Explorer, turning the corner and into the drive way (going the wrong way) almost up on two wheels--her anxiety the only thing out pacing her vehicle...

I was frozen, headlights bore into my coffeeless brain, panic struck, and then my own feral senses kicked in--(protect the dog, protect the dog, protect the dog) and "WHOA! WHOA WHOA WHOA Whoooaaa WTF?" came pouring out of me at the top of my lungs.

FSM:
THERE NO NEED FOR THAT REACTION!

RLPANTS:
YOU'RE GOING THE WRONG DAMN WAY..and Waaaay TOO Fast! You damn near hit me.

FSM:
Well *I'm* JUST trying to get HER (child) to the SCHOOL bus on time! There was no need for that!

RLPANTS:
LIKE HELL! You damn near hit me (picks up panicky dog, walks away)

FSM:
I'm not trying to hit ANYBODY!

Feral soccer moms, back the hell off. I don't have to put up with you or your precious brood of bratty overworked allergic runts.

And a tip--when it comes to me and mine, I can get pretty feral, too.

I have a pact with my dog, who has had a very, very tough life up until the time she joined our family--that I will NEVER let anything happen to her...

Feral soccer mom above, you were making far more of a direct threat to me and those that I love than I ever posed to your crazy ass. Your front wheels were three feet away from causing me to break my pact, and if I break it, I'm going to be angry at myself, and that anger will be turned on you.

I'm sure many of you have that same kind of pact with your kids--well, just know, I take my pact just as seriously.

Slow down...take a deep breath....relax.