Duck walks into a bar...

I am happily unfocused at work today. I ran a little late this morning as I had to take extra time getting ready, organizing my packed bags in the car, and making sure that everything was ready to go as I'll be on the road for the next 15 days or so!

Since my mind is going a zillion miles an hour, I decided to let today's entry write itself, as I share a few of my favorite jokes from my favorite category of jokes...the "_________walks into a bar" joke.

I find this to be a wonderfully amazing and subtle form of comedy. Some people just don't get it, and that's ok. "_____walks into a bar" jokes are often percieved as lame, but it's all in the telling and timing. It's better when you tell about six in a row--for those who appreciate this kind of humor, an oddly pleasant swelling will begin in your cheeks (both sets) and eventually, even those who don't quite get it will laugh out loud in spite of themselves.

My thanks to my high school German teacher, Bill Supon, for introducing me to "walked into a bar jokes." One of his favorites begins my list, and he tells these far better than me--I steal his "same bar" bit, but I've added to it slightly, in particular for my favorite (thanks to David G. for it) the..."Duck walks into a bar" joke.

Here we go:

Grasshopper walks into a bar.
Walks up to the bartender orders a drink.
Bartender says "we don't get many grasshoppers in here."
Grasshopper replies "and with these prices, you won't be gettin' many more."

Same bar...

Band saw walks into a bar.
Walks up to the bar, sits down next to a power sander and asks...
"You know the drill, right?"

Next day, same bar...

Neutron walks into the bar, orders a beer.
Bartender says, "for you, no charge!"

Same bar...

Termite walks into a bar, walks up and asks..."Is the bartender here?"

A different bar, a different grasshopper

Grasshopper walks into a bar
bartender says, "wow, you're a popular guy around here, we even have a drink named after you"
Grasshopper says "You've got a drink named Steve?"

A young man from Texas walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender asks “Ya got any ID”? The Texan replies, “About what”?


Same bar...
A man walks into a bar witha slab of asphalt under his arm and says, "A beer please and one for the road."

Rene Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Beer?" Descartes replies, "I think not," and he disappears.

So, this tissue walks into a bar. Bartender says, "Can I pour you a drink?" Tissue says, "Heck no, it'll go right through me!" Bartender says, "Well, you don't have to get all snotty about it."

A guy and his pet newt walk into a bar. The bartender asks, "What's that thing on your shoulder?" The guy says, "Oh, well he's my pet. His name is Tiny." The bartender replies, "Why'd you name him that?" And the guy replies, "Because he's my newt!"

Three notes walk into a bar, a C, an E-flat and a G. The bartender looks up and says he doesn't serve minors.
So the E-flat leaves and the C and G have a fifth between them.



And last...and least:

A (horse, giraffe, Sarah Jessica Parker, John Kerry, etc. etc. etc. ) walks into a bar. Bartender asks "so why the long face?"

And finally, the duck:

Duck walks into a bar. Walks up to the bartender asks.."got any grapes?"

--No this is a bar, we don't have any grapes.

The duck sighs, looks down at his floppy feet and walks away disappointed.

Next day, same bar...

Duck walks into a bar. Walks up to the bartender asks.."got any grapes?"

--"No duck, I told you yesterday, we don't have any grapes."


Duck S i g h s, looks down at his floppy feet, and walks away disappointed.

Next day, same bar...

Duck walks into the bar, walks up to the bartender..."got any grapes?"

--"Look duck, I've told you we don't have any grapes. If you ask me again, I'm going to nail your beak to the bar."

The duck looks down. He's wounded, hurt...torn apart by the bartender's threat.

He looks down at his floppy feet, s i g h s, and then suddenly...a look of joy in his eyes he asks:

"Got any nails??"

--"Umm. No?"

"Got any grapes?"

And a variation on a theme:

A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender "Do you have any duck?" The bartender says "no, this a bar. We don't have any duck."

The next day the guy comes in and the same thing happens.

The third day the guy comes in and asks for duck, the bartender says Look, we don't have any duck, if you ask me again, I'm going to nail your feet to the floor."

Guy looks down with disappointment, suddenly has a look of revelation across his face....

"got any nails?"

The bartender says "ummm, no."

"got any duck?"